Naturally Horses
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The Horse Owners' Dictionary

( See also A Horse's View of the World )

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  • Auction - A popular, social gathering where you can change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset.

  • Azorturia (Monday Morning Disease) - a condition brought on by showing horses all weekend.  Symptoms include the feeling of dread at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work or school.

  • Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through a muddy area.  Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.

  • Bran - A wheat by-product occasionally fed moistened to horses, most usually applied as spackel or stucco on owner.

  • Colic - The gastro-intestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows. 

  • Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.

  • Contracted Foot - The involuntary and instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.

  • Corn - Small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of riding boots.

  • Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after they administer electrolytes to their horse.

  • Endurance Ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.

  • Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to prance, shy and buck his way around a show ring.

  • Feed - Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure.

  • Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over.

  • Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.

  • Founder - The discovery of your loose mare - some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield, as in "Hey, I found'er!"

  • Gallop- The customary gait a horse chooses when returning home.

  • Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.

  • Girth Sores - Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of mid-section by fashionable large western belt buckles.

  • Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.

  • Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.

  • Head Tosser - A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the yard.

  • Heaves - The act of unloading a trailer full of hay.

  • Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.

  • Hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.

  • Hoof Pick - Useful, curbed metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your endurance shoes.

  • Horse Shoes - Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw.

  • Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate paddock fencing.

  • Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.

  • Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in old or weak riders.

  • Lead Rope - A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns.  Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag.

  • Lungeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to eating. 

  • Overreaching - A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season. 

  • Parasites - Small children who get in your way when you work in the yard.  Many gather in swarms at horse shows.

  • Pinto - A colourful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean grey horse that was left unattended in his stable for ten minutes.

  • Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill.

  • Rasp - An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the knuckles.

  • Reins - Break-away device used to tie horses with.

  • Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.

  • Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at a ride. 

  • Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal.  Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state.  Can last several weeks.

  • Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.

  • Tack Room - A room where every item necessary to work with or train your horse has been put, in a place where it cannot be found in less than 30 minutes.

  • Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before a ride starts.

  • Versatility - An owner's ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon.

  • Weaving - The movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road with a rambunctious horse in it.

  • Whip Marks - The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging branch go.  (Also caused by a swishing wet or dry horse tails across the face while cleaning hooves.)

  • Vet Catalogue - An illustrated brochure provided to horse owners that features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped from a company's inventory.

  • Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.

  • Yearling - The age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously.

  • Young stock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.

Can you suggest any more?  If so, please e-mail us and we'll add them to this list.

These definitions were passed to us without acknowledging the original author.  If they are someone's copyright, then we apologize but they do appear on many websites, www.horseweb-uk.com for example, where there are more amusing definitions and horsey humour.

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